Did you know deer can jump higher than the average house?

It’s because of their strong hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

What did one eye say to the other?

Just between you and me, something smells.

A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk asks if it has any luggage.

It replies “no, I’m traveling light”

I can’t stand Russian dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.

What do you call a snail that isn’t moving?

An escar-stay.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases?

They’re really making headlines.

If you see an Apple Store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?

Why couldn’t the pony sing in the choir?

He was a little horse.

Did you hear about the woman who loved making archery supplies?

Every day she went to work, she quivered with joy!

The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.

It was tense.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

Don’t ever believe an atom, they make up everything.

I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.

Why does Waldo (from Where’s Waldo) always wear a striped shirt? He doesn’t want to be spotted.

Why did the scarecrow get an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

Be kind to dentists. They have fillings too, you know.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.

It was really just a play on words.

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can’t opener.

Why do people love Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus. Unlike Canada’s, which I could take or leaf.

How do trees feel in the Spring?

Releaved.

Did you hear about the sale on paddles?

It was quite the oar-deal.

If a Wizard uses magic to hold up a camera and take a picture of himself, is that a Spellfie?

If a kid won’t take a nap, is that “resisting a rest”?

What do you call a dog magician?

A Labracadabrador Retriever.

Straws are for suckers.

What do you call a lawyer who can cook?

A sue chef

Why do Buddhist monks avoid sending word documents?

They’re supposed to avoid attachments.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

I just can’t put it down.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

I don’t enjoy computer jokes.

Not one bit.

Jokes about german sausage are the wurst.

I got a job at a bakery, because I knead dough.

What do you do when you find Niacin and Thiamin at your front door? You vitamin, of course!

Did you hear about the banker who left her job?

She just lost interest.

What happens to Nitrogen when the sun rises?

It becomes Daytrogen

How do you measure the quality of my puns?

A sighsmograph!

A Steak Pun is a Rare Medium Well Done

Did you hear about the exorcist who offers a payment plan?

Apparently if people fall behind on payments, they’ll get repossessed!

A clown held the door open for me.

What a nice jester!

They say that no two people see color the exact same way, so really, color is just a pigment of your imagination.

How can you tell when a clock is hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

What did the buffalo say to his son who was leaving for college?

Bison.

My friend just installed ethernet in his home in Sydney.

I can’t wait to visit the LAN down under.

My friend David just had his ID stolen.

We just call him Dav now.

Fiction always talks about the drama and mystery surrounding a departed relative’s will. But most of the time, it’s a dead giveaway

What do you call it when a cat wins first place at a dog show?

A cat-has-trophy!

Did you hear about the man who left his fortune to the San Andreas nature preserve?

He was generous to a fault. - Blame Kevin McGowan

I need to stop hanging around with pessimistic horses. Neigh-sayers never add anything to the conversation.

Two amphibians were croaking at each other outside my window. It was Toadally ribbeting!

What’d the conductor say when she found her missing music?

SCORE!

Why don’t mathematicians use knives to eat prime rib?

They know it can’t be divided!

Why do bulls make terrible salesmen?

They charge too much.

To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I swatted a bee today. It was kind of a buzzkill.

I just found a penny in my dryer’s lint trap, and I can’t figure out where it came from. But that’s ok, I love it when the world just makes cents.

Did you hear about all the hidden meanings in the Lion King?

Yeah, it’s full of Simbalism.

Did you hear that Rudolph and Dasher got sponsored by a coffee company this year?

It actually makes sense, because they’re Santa’s Star Bucks.

Did you hear about the over-booked introverts camping trip?

A lot of people left because it was two in tents.

Did you hear about the guy who ate six cans of alphabet soup?

He had the biggest vowel movement ever.

What’d the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

Somebody just broke into my apartment and stole every lamp, flashlight, and lightbulb. I’m so delighted.

So, can a Parseltongue in the Harry Potter Universe write code in Python?

Did you hear about the dog who swallowed scrabble tiles?

His next trip out to the yard spelled “disaster”.

Did you hear about the man who called his doctor’s office because he’d turned invisible?

Sadly, nobody could see him for weeks.

Why can’t bikes stand up unsupported?

They’re two tired.

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

I think somebody added more dirt to my vegetable garden. The plot thickens!

Did you hear about the new website Colorado has developed for the released rare wild cats, which helps them to connect, keep tabs on each other, and discover new opportunities?

Yeah, the state’s pretty optimistic about LynxedIn.

Did you hear about the group of boats which crushed each other against their mooring structure?

Yet another casualty of pier pressure.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

I keep trying to start exercising, but it just isn’t working out.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

De-brie went everywhere.

Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft? Classical

Conditioning!

What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!

Guy walks into the bar with jumper cables over his shoulder. Bartender says, “Don’t start anything!”

Just after finishing a four year stint in the Navy, my friend changed her name from Marie to Mary. I asked her why.

“It’s like they always say,”I before E, except after sea”

RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.

Did you hear that the inventor of the Knock Knock joke got a no-bell prize?

Why are noses in the middle of your face?

They like to be the scenter of attention.

A woman walks into the ER and sits down in chairs. After a moment of silence, she shouts “Shouldn’t!”. A minute passes. “Can’t! Wouldn’t!” Another minute. “Oughtn’t! Could’ve! Won’t!”. A doctor hears her shouts and dashes over to her. “Somebody call the maternity ward! This woman’s having contractions!”

I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. Someday, I hope I’ll be a bouillonaire.

The roles of ‘nature’ vs. ‘nurture’ is an ongoing debate in the psychological field.

But one’s preference for taking an elevator over an escalator is surely a difference in upbringing.

To be frank…

I’d have to change my name.

Did you hear about the mathematician who hates negative numbers?

She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Everything I write comes out in tables.

I guess you could say I was born to Excel

Did you hear the police found a misspelled message written in blood?.

Yeah, they suspect it was a type-o

Trigonometry is so confusing. I wish I understood sine language.

What do you call a small soda without a tiny apple floating inside?

Miniappleless Minisoda

Did you hear about the fish who got surprised by the Gulf Stream?

Yeah, he hadn’t stayed abreast of current affairs!

If you’re ever attacked by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.

Never trust a statistician. They’re always plotting something.

Did you hear about the man who lost the ability to hear low and midrange frequencies?

He was in a world of treble.

If your guy doesn’t appreciate fresh fruit puns, let that mango.

How much do computer scientists like 0 and 1?

Quite a bit.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

If you cannot master the guitar, Don’t fret.

Local apartment building has one unit left. It’s last, but not leased.

What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe!!

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He needed some space

What kind of grades do pirates get in school?

High C’s

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly. Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.